My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
