Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Des Moines Police having a normal one

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles