So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
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me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.