My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
And now we wait
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.