Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.