My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
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Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.