Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

me: i love sleepovers

doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital

me: then why do I have this nightgown

doctor: that’s a hospital gown

me: truth or dare

doctor:

me:

doctor: dare

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

I want this so bad

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

Home is where your toilet is.

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Bring back the McRib

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

*1776

Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win

Washington)Let’s blow shit up

Jefferson)I like it