My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
wishing you and yours all the best
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other