Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

Me trying to “trust the process”

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

i love meeting boys on tinder

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!