My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.