My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
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Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie