Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
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DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually