@bengulate

My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.

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@chrissyteigen

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

@3sunzzz

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

@GinGander

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

@DareDarilyn

Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.

@nghtfltguy

Women do not want to hear what you think..nnThey want to hear what they think..nnIn a deeper voice……

@Soberphobiccc

Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@stuckinaportal

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

@astutenewf

When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.