Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*