My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Wait a minute…
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶