My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.