My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
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“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My plans: 2020:
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt