[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
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I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Rooting for the overdog
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.