My signature move is not caring which one yours is.

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“70% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English”

That’s the most stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard.


Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.


3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.


OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.


*Pulls out pin*

*Throws fire extinguisher*


Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.


I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.


“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol