My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
the pigeons are already plenty salty
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Yoga Matt
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?