My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
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When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Just why bro?!
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?