Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

Tuesday

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

I can’t stop watching this.

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.