Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy

“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me

Dentist: for the love of God just floss

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true