Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

don’t we all

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

“The Perfect Relationship”

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

My dog learned how to text

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”