Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.