My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
