Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.

The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”

DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.