Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

In space, no one can hear…

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.