My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
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My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Story time
