Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.