My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”
1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
