My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”
1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
What the dentist sees
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Knock Knock
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
