My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”
1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
