My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken ππππ
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
i donβt have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Hereβs the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Dude, I know this is Sparta. Thereβs like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Why donβt ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but donβt buckle me in
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. Itβs titled, βAssumptionsβ
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Iβve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I my rage I texted my friend βI made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it youβ.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold π€
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
So it turns out that all of the tire places with βdiscountβ in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
