My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
A small tragedy.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
