My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
🤣😂🤣😂
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
