My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “gar莽on! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
If you鈥檙e feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we鈥檝e been re-living the same day for the past year
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
having a bad day today. 馃様 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this