Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.