Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

they finally got him. they got macavity

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.