Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit