My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.