My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
m’lady
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.