My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
no such thing as a dumb question
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir