My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.