Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.

Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?

A2: I do.

A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.

A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?

A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.

Thank you

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.