[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
pictures of spider-man
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.