[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
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Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
🐶😂
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
…..pretty much.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go