My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
You Might Also Like
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems