My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
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A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me if I was a dog
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.