My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
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Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.