My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
