My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Ion see the issue
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
We need more people like this.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
