My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
and now we wait
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
