My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
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Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
She was REALLY feeling it.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]