My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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me when the borders lift
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
She puts the hot in psychotic
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*