My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
