My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
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[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me: