My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
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Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.