My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
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So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Simple
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive