Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

‘I know a black person’

– White people

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me