Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.