My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.


[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?


Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”


Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.


The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT


What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?


My mom drove over to drop off Easter candy and she stood in my driveway while I stood on the porch and we yelled at each other about politics so looks like I was able to have a traditional Easter after all


I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.


If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.


My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.