@KolourMeKapes

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

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@markydoodoo

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

@dafloydsta

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

@Jake_Vig

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

@Ivsy01

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

@FU_TangClan

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

@Illiter8

What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?

@AshToTheFuture

My mom drove over to drop off Easter candy and she stood in my driveway while I stood on the porch and we yelled at each other about politics so looks like I was able to have a traditional Easter after all

@Robert_Beau

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

@junejuly12

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

@WGladstone

My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.