My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
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A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*