My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
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it is time once again
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
everyone has that one prude friend
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Hero horse inspires millions
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.