Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.