My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop