Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.