Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too