Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.