Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

How it started: How it’s going:

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who