My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice